Sunshine after Rain

Today is Thursday, and thankfully for Rememberence Day, that means NO school tomorrow. And I finally get to come home for a couple of evenings....just to have a much needed change in environment, to see friends and family, and my cats. There's something about the school environment that after a while becomes a dark, heavy cloud hanging over you.

The past couple of weeks have been an emotional, spiritual rollarcoaster. Relationships have ended with no real closure (which I always desire), I've started working at Tim's again....this time in Steinbach, MB (which in and of itself has been a humblying/degrading experience), and the workload at school has increased. Never before have I had such a difficult semester. NEVER. I feel I'm a failure as a student, and thus as a person (yes, we should never lower our value to merely the grading of others, but it happens when it's an area in your life you strive to control). I've been so distracted the past month that I haven't been able to concentrate on my studies, find the energy for day to day activities; which, in turn doesn't leave me with enough time to have a social life.....also discouraging.

So over the past week I've slowly been revealing my weakness to those around me, and THANKFULLY been receiving only support from those around me (thus, I difference from the past). But it's hard! I don't even want to admit to myself the weaknesses and failures in my life. But those same people have been challenging me to change my way of thinking. My stubornness has really started to take a toll on me. I've been trying to control all aspects of my life, but I'm falling apart now b/c of it...life is unraveling. So I've been challenged to think: Why do I so desparately feel the need to have control over my life? If I keep filling up my schedule as much as I have been, how will I EVER discover what I really love to do? How do I plan on rediscovering my first loves? (Christ, music, the arts,etc.. ?) SOOOOO much is going through my mind these days......which is good, but I need it to stop, with school and all.

haha...I'm in class right now.. I'm so happy that I have my laptop now, and wireless internet to be able to amuse myself during my lecture lulls. ....can be a distraction at time, but usually a means of retaining sanity during class.....

Bye for now.... JB