God's calling...!?!

I suppose it's a given that with graduation around the corner (89 days to be exact), I should be expecting all the questions...."What's next?" "Do you have a job lined up?" "What do you plan on doing after you graduate?" "Do you plan on staying in Wpg?" I think it's almost worse than being presented with the '20 questions.' Than again, maybe not. I mean it's likely mere curiosity, more than anything, that spurs the questions.

For the most part I've been able to silence the questions with my simple, honest reply of "I honestly haven't thought much about it, and don't intend to until I've completed my studies." I'm not entirely sure what my rational (excuse?) for such a response is, other than: 1. If I haven't figured it out over the last 22 years, what are the chances that I'll figure it out over the 3 remaining months that I'm in school. 2. If I were to give some serious thought to the general question, "What's next?” I'd become distracted from my current 'mission' - graduation.

Nevertheless, there is a reoccurring theme that has come to 'haunt' me (this will connect to a previous post, I promise). As previously mentioned, during my second year of college I was quite certain that I had heard God calling me into missions. So much so, that during a mission's trip to Lac La Ronge (couldn't be any more clearer) I made a promise to God. I promised Him that if he truly wanted me in missions, I would faithfully follow; that all opposition put aside (logical thinking, family, personal desires) I would go wherever He desired to send me, and use me however he saw fit. In years since, I have (at least partly) regretted uttering those words. What was I ever thinking!?! .....they have come back to 'haunt' me...

As a Christian, I inwardly know that God's plans are best, they're better than anything I could ever dream up for myself. Yet, I feel trapped. I feel trapped between the logic of this world (the comfort I find in thinking I have the potential to live a 'normal' life) and the calling I once felt in my heart....a calling that has since created a deep sense of anger, frustration, and rebellion within me. It has caused my faith to falter at times, even caused me to consider turning my back on God. Thankfully, God has never allowed it. He has stood by me through it all. In fact, while my desires for missions have remained deep within me, I feel that he has removed the ‘fiery passion’ that I once had for it….he removed it in such a way that I might regain the faith of a child. Only now in hindsight do I see that he has continued to work out His plan for my life, through me. Only now, do the last 5 years of college seem to make sense. By no means, have I experienced and been trained in the ways of my desires/dreams (e.g. in the ways I foresaw). Never had I foreseen myself pursuing two fields of study - on opposite ends of the spectrum - that work together so well (e.g. Intercultural Studies – Business – T.E.S.O.L). So, I’m left to conclude that there has in fact been a force at work other than myself; God himself, in all of my stubbornness, has laid out the steps before me. I’m also left to question WHY in my last semester of college, must the topic of mission’s become so real again? I thought I had buried it, I was moving on to something different.

Which brings me back to the question of “God’s calling…?” What calling does He have on my life? What is my part in it? Will I faithfully follow Him?

The past month has been filled with numerous rewarding and enriching conversations (I’m a sucker for quality time J ) with various friends and acquaintances. Perhaps because all of the conversations were had with Christians, who in the nature of the faith often have similar thoughts/interests, the topic of mission’s has often come about. Now on two occasions (one just last evening), one with a close friend and another with a new acquaintance, I have heard that bold words utter “ Do you not hear yourself, you’re meant to be in mission’s!!!”; to which I become defensive. I will never deny the ‘calling I once felt I had’, nor will I deny my rebellion and deep pleading for God to have another ‘calling’ on my life. But in my stubbornness I try to close my ears and my heart to any thought of mission’s. While in one sense the thought of doing missions brings much peace and joy, in another it brings back to my memory so much pain and opposition, confusion and frustration. All I ever asked for was a ‘normal’ life. One in which I could go to college, graduate, find a job, hopefully find ‘love’ along the way, and grow old. Is that really all just a fairytale? Is that not how it happens? How it’s suppose to happen? The natural ‘lifecycle’?

Some close friends have hinted that perhaps I have ‘created/imagined’ such a calling, and that I should ask God for clarification, for a specific sign to show me one way or the other. As previously mentioned, I really hope I’ve heard incorrectly. The more I see those around me move on in life according to the ‘normal’ lifecycle flow, the more I desire it for my own life.

Is the concept of a Godly calling overrated? Or is the concept of a logical, ‘normal’ lifecycle nothing more than a worldly concept?