Sometimes we're our own worst enemy

Alright, I realize that I haven't posted anything 'serious' in some time, but that's not to say that I haven't been pondering about life. I suppose in all honestly this semester, all its events and trials, hasn't really been any different than any previous semester. While I always enter into a new semester hoping that it wont have all the ups and downs of the semester prior, I'm always proved wrong. Life always seems to have its surprises, and never fails to be an adventure.


As for this semester, it started out with the challenges of learning to live with a new roommate/friend. Then came the distruction of a pathological liar, followed by the sudden passing of my grandfather, an insanely heavy work load at school, and the personal thoughts that continue to trouble me....hence the title. Up until a few weeks ago I was an academic hermit and had NO life outside of school, and I hated every minute of it. I never got to see any of my friends, and never had any time to just relax and breathe. I don't think I've been to bed prior to 130am this semester. In fact, my average bed time has been between 2 and 4 am. Obviously it doesn't help when you add terrible eating habits to the mix. It just spells 'STRESS', and my body by the way of ill health was telling me likewise. Why is it that some of us just keep pushing ourselves beyond all odds? Why do we feel the need to time and time again prove people, but even more so ourselves, wrong? Why are some of us so willing to sacrifice our sanity; beat our selves spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically into the ground, in mere hopes of being successful? But by who's standards? At the end of the day it all seems such a waste, yet we continue to do it. For myself being a student, nothing is ever good enough; I'm a perfectionist. I just got a paper back today. A paper that I seriously think is one of the worst ones I've ever written, yet my prof went on to 'praise' me and grant me an 'A'. ....I don't get it!?! I feel nothing. No satisfaction. NOTHING!!! I don't feel I deserve it.

Thankfully I only have another 142 days to go until my hopeful graduation. I honestly don't think I could take anymore school. I'm done! I'm burnt out! There's no joy left in learning...my brain is 'full.' I suppose that's what 5 straight years of college, and 2 degrees will do to you. But even the thought of those degrees doesn't thrill me the slightest. Right now I'm just striving for completion; for a piece of paper. Of course the most common question for people to ask me these days is, "so what are you going to do after you graduate?" Wow....if I even had the slightest idea, maybe I'd tell you....but I don't. I know it hasn't been, but in some ways I feel like the last 5 years have been a waste...a waste of time, money, and sanity. Perhaps I'm most troubled by the thoughts of my upcoming graduation b/c I haven't a clue as to what I'll be doing when I'm done. All I know is school. Better yet, my heart is no longer 'thrilled' by either course of study that I'm in.

Let me take you on a little journey...5 years ago when I graduated from HS I followed my heart to BBI where I had intended to pursue worship ministries. However, by the end of my first year I had concluded that my 'heart' for the arts wasn't enough to 'make it work'. There are too many people that are that much more talented than myself. So I threw that idea to the wind. Going into my second year at BBI I found myself interested in cultures, and believed that I had heard God calling me into missions. I almost took a break from BBI to go on TREK with MBMSI...I was accepted and everything, but was forced to turn it down at the last minute (gotta love parents and their logical thinking). By the end of my second year I was utterly confused. I had prepared myself never to return to BBI; in fact, when my father was on route to the West coast I had him pick up all my belongings that were in storage. I figured that by not having anything out there, I wouldn't be able to return, and I would have to bring closer to my time at BBI – by now I had graduated with a Diploma of Biblical Studies. My third year of college found me living back at home. After being talked out of my reoccurring desire to continue studying at BBI, largely b/c of financial issues, I found myself faced with a new set of options – either to spend a year working, or to pursue studies at a secular institution. Being the academic ‘nerd’ that I am, I chose to pursue studies in Business Administration. To the surprise of many, I did exceptionally well, but hated every minute of it. Of course that didn’t help me any when I all I wanted ‘was out.’ I was forced to listen to endless speeches about what a waste it would be if I threw such good marks away. So, my fourth year of college brought me to my third college where I currently reside. Now I find myself, in agreement with my parents, finishing up two BAs….neither of which stirs excitement in my heart today. I have long since lost my heart for missions, and have never had a heart for business. But I guess in all honesty I don’t know what else to do, other than to fight for my 2 pieces of paper that I have fought so long and hard for. All so that I can one day say that I have something to my name.

So it’s been a journey….an adventure; both good and bad. I find myself today somewhere that I NEVER would have seen myself 5 years ago. NEVER!!! I have sacrificed much, as do many of my fellow students. So even if I don’t know if I’ll ever use either of my BAs when I get out of here, there are a few things that I hope to do. All of which have given me much joy and struggle over the past 22 years, yet I continue to have a heart for…..primarily dancing, singing, and piano. I also hope to pursue my desire to learn acoustic guitar.

…more to come…