Reminiscing

Hey All,
So some of you have been telling me that this blog is seriously outdated, which it is, and my apologies!
This semester has been insane, or perhaps this entire college year has been. I swear it has been one challenge after another. I'm happy to say that there are only another 32 days left in this semester (including exams). I honestly cannot wait for the freedom that awaits me. And even better are my hopes of graduation next Spring....there IS light at the end of the tunnel! It will have been the longest 5 years of college ever, but with a Intercultural Studies B.A./TESOL Certificate, and a Business Administration B.A. I will hopefully be able to get somewhere in this life.
So this semester....I haven't even a clue where to begin. So I'll back track to the Xmas break. For those of you who don't know, I spent it Supervising/baking at a Tim Hortons in Wpg, where I had previously worked last summer. Then to my luck, I wrote off another car....so the most discouraging aspect of my break was the loss of my freedom yet again. I never even made it to church over the break ....boo urns! Then to add to the agony I learnt that I have TMJ (aka. lock-jaw)....and my jaw has remained partly locked since Dec. 29th/05. I have since been seeing a specialist and physio therapist weekly. I was given 3-6 months for recovery....but now, nearly 3 months later all the docs can say is, "I'm sorry progress is so slow for you, all we can do is wait." The most frustrating part 'bout TMJ is the pain it causes me (myofascial pain, headaches, ear aches....u name it. It also limits me to a soft food diet and advil nearly every 4 hrs). But it's not all bad....b/c God has been teaching me a LOT through it all. I also most recently got back from a 10 day tour through MN and ND with Providence College's "Veritas" (a 10 voice ensemble)....This tour was a miracle....with all the physical ailments. Thankfully I'm a tenor/alto this year, so I have been able to continue singing (though with much pain, and discomfort).

This has been the hardest year of my life academically, I feel as though I have failed in so many areas, but I have honestly not had the energy or time to give the effort to my studies that I typically have. In this way, God has been teaching me to let go. Every year I have increasingly grown to base my worth on my academic performance (perhaps influenced by my perfectionism and stuborn nature?). I'm always seeking for a means of control in my life.....I suppose I'm also learning that I'm a bit of a control freak.
Having said that, my greatest lesson this year, which I'm still learning, has been simplification and surrender. I am convinced that God has been trying to reach me for years, urging me to simplify my life and to spend more time with Him. Everything that I have built up for myself (security, success, stability) is all being destroyed. Last semester I had to decide against playing outdoor soccer for the college, this semester I was forced to quit my job in Steinbach, MB (20 mins from the college). I didn't know how I would pay for this semester of college, but things have worked themselves out. The aspect of surrender I have yet to learn, and I'm ever more convinced that it's a daily act.

I'm deciding to admit that I'm scared of surrendering my all to Christ! I havent' a clue where I will find myself, or how things will look if I do. So long as I have 'control', I feel I have a say in my life. I have plans (ie. the completion of my education) that I hope will succeed. I keep telling God that I'll resurrender myself to him once I'm completed my education, and I can close that chapter of my life. ...yet I'm dying in the meantime, i'm weakening....God is so far away in my life, yet ever near. I KNOW that he has/will never leave my side, but there are so many aspects about Him and the plans HE has for me that I can't fathom. I'm soooo scared. I haven't a clue where life will take me next, or what I'm being prepared for in the meantime. I have so many doubts, questions, and uncertainties. I also have a longing for things of my past....mainly of my time at BBI...I don't know what it is, but I can't get that college off my mind, and feel indebted to it. Please, if you ever have the opportunity and u feel God calls you to it, GO! It is an amazing place...I only wish that I had taken more of it in while I was there.

God what does this all mean? My thoughts are anxious, and I am weary.... I am impatient....I want certainty that life will fall into place if I surrender....

What can I say.....LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE..... it's a journey.....


Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, The creator of the ends of the earth. His understanding NO ONE can fathom. He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will sore on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. IS 40:29-31

Do not be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel STEADILY along his path PS 37.34